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Psi-Trek – The EPOC Generation

Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It’s on going mission, to explore the same old worlds, to meet regular lifeforms and standard civilisations. To boldy go places where we’ve been before…

Captain Ricard’s mammoth ready-room stretched for over 200 metres in every direction. In the centre Ricard leant back on his chair and placed placed his feet up on the desk. His starship had just finished an upgrade of the internal operating system and was heading for some hick planet in the middle of nowhere to do something that would endanger them. All was going well and he was just starting to relax. “Computer, Tea, Earl Grey Hot.”

“Too many parameters, please simplify request.” replied the computer's voice.

“Too many parameters?” Ricard stood up and walked over to the replicator. After several seconds of idly flicking buttons he sighed. “This damn new operating system, it can only do one command at a time, the functionality is so limited.”

Commander Bill T Piker was standing next to Klingon Security Chief Morph as the huge alien held Ensign Measley Crusher in a head-lock. Next to Piker stood Engineer Geordi La Forgie. Piker was grinning, as he struck his standard tough looking pose. “Ten more seconds and the fivers mine.” he chuckled to La Forgie.

La Forgie watched in horror as Weasley held onto consciousness for a further 10.4 seconds before lapsing into a coma. Morph effortlessly chucked him onto the floor and smiled. “YOU OWE COMMANDER PIKER £5. PAY HIM, OR I WILL MAKE YOU PAY.” he bellowed.

La Forgie sighed and handed Piker the money. “Everytime, he’s tougher than he looks.”

Piker nodded his appreciation to Morph for holding back on using full force and walked over to the Captain as he strolled onto the bridge.

Ricard noticed Piker and rose his hand slightly. “Number one.”

Piker leapt into action. “Red alert! Load torpedo bays, ready phasers, set course 145 by 259 by 009, engage at Warp 9.5…”

“What the hell are you doing Piker?” asked Ricard.

“Well, you usually say Number One like that when you want me to give lots of orders. It’s strange I always seem to know what you want.”

“I was just getting your attention. Now, this new operating system, it doesn’t appear to be as good as the old one. What are we using now?”

La Forgie turned from his console. “Windows CE V2.”

Piker gave his long glaring stare at the Captain who straightened his uniform top. “Damn, I knew they’d get to Starfleet eventually. La Forgie have we still got the back-up of EPOC that we took last year?”

La Forgie held up an Iomega Zip Drive. “Right here, I had to span it over 30000 disks using Winzip, but yeah, I got it.”

“Excellent, restore the back-up, if we have a confrontation with our most feared enemy The Bored I certainly don’t want to have to worry about allocating memory resources.” he said to his bridge crew.

Piker nodded. “Agreed, let’s just hope we don’t have to sort a spreadsheet though.”

“Understood Number One.” Ricard looked around the bridge. “What’s Ensign Crusher doing on the floor, I order him to be hung on the wall in Ten Sideways, it’s been boring since our dart board got stolen.”

“I’m sorry sir, Security Chief Morph was just demonstrating a new Klingon pain grip.”

“Speaking of pain, where’s Commander Information?”

“He’s exploring his humanity with Counsellor Babe.”

Ricard sighed. “Oh god, I hope he doesn’t want another Shakespeare lesson, I only oblige him because he can get us out of any situation.”

“Makes us all seem quite useless doesn’t it?”



“Not yet Mr Morph, let’s wait until it can put us in danger, that way the tension will increase.”


Piker sat down in his chair. “All senior officers report to the bridge!”.

“Helm, full stop, Mr Morph raise shields.”

“SHIP IS ENTERING VISUAL RANGE.” reported Morph as Counsellor Babe and Commander Information walked onto the bridge.

“On screen.” replied Ricard, he squinted and sighed. “Magnify.”

Commander information reached under his console and pulled out a large magnifying glass and handed it to the Captain.

“Hmm, it’s The Bored all right, we haven’t seem them for a season so it’s about right.” he said, handing the magnifying glass to Piker.

“Captain, I sense that a ship is approaching.” stated Counsellor Babe.

“Shut up! Mr La Forgie, can we rotate shield frequencies, give us a bit of time if they try to attack us?”

“Sure thing, by running MMU through the main deflector relays we can defragment the EPS conduits, should give us the power we need.”

“Make it so.”

“Captain, I can also run Backlite+, using its macro system we could speed up response time.”

“Good work.”


“On speakers.” replied Ricard.

Morph climbed up onto the bridge PA system. “DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THEIR MESSAGE?”

“Yes Mr Morph.”

The crew of the Enterprise froze as the monologue voice of the Bored Collective filled the bridge. “We are the Bored, resistant will get less futile, we will get easier to defeat at every encounter until we are irrelevant. You will surrender your ship or we will destroy you. Your defensive technology is probably sufficient to destroy us.”

“This is Captain John Luke Ricard. We are fed up of you sending one ship to attack us each time, for god sake, invade us or go away.”


The bridge crew jogged around a little as the Bored started firing. Piker studied a readout. “Damn, they’re carving us up like a roast.”

“La Forgie, we need a weapon and we need it fast.”

Commander Information stood up and turned around. “Captain I believe I have a way of destroying the Bored.”


“I think if we can convince The Bored that we are about to get more advanced but only if they don’t destroy us, they will wait around until we get upgraded. By that time we should have developed a new weapon with which to destroy them.”

“Good thinking, make it so.” replied Ricard.

“I am going to implant an Internet Newsgroup message about a ROM 1.1 into the Borg Sub-Space Collective. Once they’ve accessed the data they will search the World Wide Web and discover everybody is waiting for ROM 1.1. This should compel them to cease attacking us until we are upgraded.”

Picard leant over to Morph. “Isn’t it convinient that whenever we have a long winded solution the enemy stop attacking us.”

“IT IS!”

Commander Information finish his random button pushing. “I have successfully planted the Newsgroup message.”

“Status of the Bored cube?”


Ricard smiled and looked at Piker. “Well Number One, it’s the end of another episode and we’ve come up with another fabricated way of defeating the enemy.”

“Yes sir, but surely you don’t think Newsgroups are fabricated?”

“Number One, as the Captain there are some things I don’t have to answer. Helm, take us to our next encounter, Warp four.”